Wedding Traditions: Bridal Shower Origins and a Tale of True Love
While many wedding elements have fascinating stories behind them, the tradition of holding a shower for the bride goes a step further: It has its own folklore.
The practice of offering money or gifts to a bride before her wedding dates back to 16th-century Europe. There were no games, mimosas, or finger foods involved. These “showers” were about raising dowries—money and assets the bride’s family was expected to give to the groom.
This is where a tale of (economically) mismatched lovers comes in. According to legend, a young high-society Dutch lady was determined to marry her true love, a poor miller, against her father’s wishes. Furious, her father threatened to withhold her dowry unless she married the man he selected for her.
Etiquette expert Lillian Eichler included the tale in her 1924 book, “The New Book of Etiquette,” which Abigail Grotke featured in her blog, Miss Abigail’s Time Warp Advice.
“A beautiful young Dutch maiden gave her heart to the village miller who was so good to the poor and the needy that he himself had but few worldly goods,” Eichler wrote. “He gave his bread and his flour free to those who could not pay, and because of his goodness everyone loved him. Everyone but the girl’s father. She must not marry him, he said. She must marry the man he had selected.”
Fortunately, the other villagers sympathized with the heartbroken girl and the miller. To provide the girl with a dowry, each gave the couple what they could: linens, plates, a vase, and a “great, shiny pot.” Touched, the father of the girl changed his mind, and she was able to marry and her true love.
Years later, Eichler wrote, an Englishwoman who couldn’t afford much of a wedding gift for a friend remembered the story of the Dutch “shower,” enlisted a group of friends, and suggested they present their gifts at the same time to express their good wishes.
According to Eichler, that shower was so successful that that tradition continued.
How much of the Dutch shower tale is true? We’re not sure, but we love the elements of romance, kindness, and generosity woven into it.
Here are a few more tidbits about bridal showers of the past and the insights into everyday life they provide.
This depiction of an alewife, a woman who brewed ale for commercial sale, is in the "Thrice-Sinning Hermit" on page 114v of the Smithfield Decretals, c. 1300-1350.
The Bride-Ale
Another practice of the middle ages, the bride-ale (also referred to as bruydale) didn’t exactly involve gift-giving, but it did help young couples raise money. The bride-ale was a pre-wedding feast in England where brides sometimes made beer and sold it to guests.
According to Martyn Cornell, author of an award-winning blog about beer now and through history, these gatherings became infamous for rowdy behavior.
“With all the drinking, things could get out of hand, and though one Elizabethan writer noted with satisfaction that there had been an improvement in his time in people’s behaviour and ‘the heathenish rioting at bride-ales are well diminished,’ the authorities sometimes took pre-emptive action,” Cornell wrote for Zythophile.
The Mehndi
In a blog for HuffPost, Jafreen M. Uddin argues that if you’re talking pre-wedding rituals (not necessarily gift-giving affairs) the first of these were mehndi ceremonies, when mehndi stain is applied to the bride-to-be’s hands and feet. This practice, dating back to the 15th century, has origins in South Asia and the Middle East.
“Mehndi symbolizes the strength of the union between the soon-to-be-married couple, and it is believed that the deeper the color of a bride's mehndi, the happier and more prosperous her marriage will be,” Uddin wrote.
It’s Raining Gifts
Most accounts of events resembling modern-day wedding showers date back to Victorian-era England and America.
Friends started loading small gifts into an upside-down parasol and opening it over the bride-to-be’s head, literally “showering her” with presents.
“Personally, we think that sounds like a horrible idea (ouch?), but when the story hit the pages of a fashion magazine, women all over thought it sounded great and started doing it on a regular basis,” Saphire Event Group wrote. “Hence, the ‘bridal shower’ was born.”
1922 bridal shower. Source: State Archives of Florida
Keeping Things Practical
By the 1930s, bridal showers were common practice in the U.S.
For high-society crowds, showers were opportunities for friends to gather for food and some gossip. For most, though, the gatherings were a way for female friends and family to give brides-to-be the basics she’d need during married life and, more importantly, spend time with her.
“Expensive gifts were not usually on the menu, though tea usually was,” Rose Heichelbech notes in a blog for Dusty Old Thing. “It didn’t occur to most women to ask for expensive gifts back then.
“In the 1920s wedding registries were invented, and became popular among certain groups. However, (some) couples never registered at all. Instead they often trusted that their female friends and family would know exactly what to get them for their new home.”
By the mid 20th century, according to Heichelbech, popular shower gifts included picture frames, kitchen canisters, Pyrex glassware, toasters, and rolling pins.
The Kitchen Tea
Today, bridal showers remain a popular practice, though in some countries, friends and family host a similar event for brides called a “kitchen tea.” These gatherings are most common in Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa.
While shower gifts might include a wide variety of items, kitchen tea gifts tend to be, well, for the kitchen, according to a blog by Australia-based Divine Events.
“Common practice for a Kitchen Tea is to ask the guests to bring along their favourite recipe,” the blog explains. “These are then all collated into a personal cookbook and gifted to the bride.”
While pre-wedding gatherings for the bride today look much different now than they did a few centuries—or even decades—ago, the overall goals remain the same. This is a tradition of celebrating brides, extending kind wishes, and doing something tangible to help a soon-to-be-married couple make a new life together. We suspect that even if showers continue to evolve, those ideals will endure.